Last weekend it looked like this in San Francisco:
And right now it looks like this:
And I have a cold THIS weekend.
So, instead of going out to do the things I’d planned, like hiking Angel Island, picnicking with underwear-wearing friends in Dolores Park, drinking beer alfresco in the Biergarten, and probably a few hundred other amaAaaAazing plans that I totally would have totally done all of because of how gregarious and go-gettery I definitely am*, I stayed mostly inside my thin-walled, crackhead-facing apartment and came up with a list of these cool entertainment ideas** that anyone can use during their next cold. You have my permission to use as many of these ideas as you wish, as long as you send me a postcard containing the words “Wish You Were Here!” somewhere in the message.***
1. Read old lists you have lying around in your very cluttered Evernote account. You don’t have Evernote? You don’t obsessively write lists? No problem, just start writing some now. It’s easy and free! I don’t know if it’s actually free. But I think so.
2. Eat healthy foods. Don’t forget that your cold wants to eat. It’s hungry. And what is it hungry for? Take some DayQuil and you’ll know: ice cream. I ate 2 pints of Coffee Heath Bar flavor. It boosts your mood and helps to fight off Riboflavin and anti oxidization. It will also help you add a layer of insulation to your body, which can be nice for the winter months, which are coming up in like November.
3. Read cookbooks. You never know - maybe you will cook again someday when you’re not living alone in a studio by yourself where you aren’t allowed to have a companion dog but you’re allowed to have a cat but you can’t have a cat even if you are allowed because you’re super-allergic to them. Plus you barely ever invite people over because you don’t have a proper frying pan, haven’t unwrapped all your dishes from moving almost a year ago, the radiator is broken so it’s ungodly warm in there, and you don’t know how to fix the flushing handle on your toilet even though you’re an engineer and you tried 4 times, so you have to take the lid off to flush at the moment.
4. Paint your toenails teal. If you have taken DayQuil, please allow at least 30-45 minutes to pick out the color that’s right for you; each color has a very specific connotation that must be explored. In my case, my options were involuntarily considered in the voice of Lucille Bluth mixed with Kimmy Gibler:
- Red - are you looking for sex?! Whore
- Orange - you will look clownish. Why is everyone afraid of clowns? That’s so cliche. Ugh, that’s so cliche to talk about how cliche it is to be afraid of clowns. Um, I think even THAT is a cliche. Who are you, Cliche Guevara? Ha ha ha you are so *truly* original you dog! Omg, I wonder if anyone’s thought of that joke?! *Googles it* Oh no, it’s a shitty punk band? Distasteful. What a disgrace.
- Dark grey - oh, you are such a hipster, that’s so depressing. People will think you cut yourself, dear. You don’t cut yourself do you? Whore.
- Sparkly yellow - Oh! That’s so cute! It’s like you died and then waited 9 years and grew a new sunny personality that people like, and then accentuated it with nail polish that fit your age and demographic!
- Pink - you’re fooling no one. Here is how feminine you have to be to wear this. *holds up hand* Way up here *holds hand higher* is where most women are, feminine-wise. See this down here? Wait, let me go into the basement, I have to get some laundry anyway…*2 minutes later* *Snapchat arrives* ….
- Dark red - are you looking for people to choke you?! Whore
- Teal - I’m bored, let’s go with this.
5. Watch every episode of Broad City.
6. Look outside every few minutes and cry, partly because it’s so beautiful and you want to be outside, partly because there’s a tweaker pissing on your building right below your lovely 20th-century bay window, but mostly just because you have allergy issues with your cold that are causing tears to stream down your face uncontrollably. OH I SHOULD USE THAT next time someone catches me crying in public! Yesssss
7. Make sure to stay hydrated. Here are the things I have imbibed over this weekend to keep my inner wetness levels stable:
- Coca-cola (Classic and Mexican): great for your sore throat - bubbles tickle your throat cells providing the stimulation you need to get through any mental or physical illness. Add real coca leaves for a kick!
- White cooking wine. (This wine was put into the freezer to chill faster before dinner was prepared. The freezer door, when opened, ejected this large, heavy bottle onto the top of my right foot. So now I’m actually sick AND I have a cool hurting foot! It didn’t even get me buzzed.)
- A new drink that’s all the rage over at Steven’s house called “Pirate’s Tea” or some bullshit name that he made up like that: Basically just put some sugar and rum into some strong peppermint tea. It’s great for throats, and gets rid of stray bacteria, wisteria, and plaque for a healthy addition to any meal.
- Sherah’s Magical Garlic Drink: Everyone thinks this sounds nasty, but it’s wonderful if you like raw garlic, chicken shit, moldy corn, or dead leaves: finely mince 3 cloves of garlic and put into a cup with a tablespoon of honey. Squeeze the juice of a lemon over that. Stir to dissolve the honey, and then drink. It breaks up your mucus and allows you to swim 15 laps in the pool without floaties.
Overall I think I had a very productive, healthful, exciting weekend. I’m really looking forward to maybe breathing out of my nose tomorrow, or the next day!!
** Some or most of these should actually be credited to DayQuil; please consult your doctor before using drugs because doctors are the types of people who know things, lots of things about medicines and drugs that you take internally, externally, etc; they know what time you should take them and where and stuff like that.
*** I am asking this because I want to add shit to my fridge and environs to make them look like I have metric shit-tons of fucking friends